Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Letter from Everywhere

The Supreme Being
Upper Everywhere,
Universe (Central)
G0 D1
13 Nov, 12500002007

Mr & Mrs Humanity
Blue Marble Cottage
Plant Earth
The Solar System
Outer Milky Way
Great Galactic Cluster

Dear Friends,

Apologies, for I have been remiss, of late, but do not take my recent lack of smiting or conjuring of miracles for total and utter indifference. For I do remain keenly interested on precisely how you all are getting on. I just wanted to take this opportunity to pop you a note with some suggestions that you might find helpful in your own quest for immortality (of sorts), particularly as it relates to the prospects fr your offspring, planet earth and one of my favorite hobbies (believe it or not), The Stock Market.

  1. Might I suggest that you stop having so many kids? For Christ's sake, you are but one of my creations, so stop acting like you own the place (or for that matter, start acting like you own the place, but choose one or the other). You're infesting the planet! Now throughout history various charlatans have laid claim to know my will on the subject, but they are crocked. Let no mullah, rabbi, mufti, pope, vicar, tribal elder, cow, golden calf, buddhist toad or voodoo witch-doctor tell you that birth control is in any way contrary to my will, or that I ever said "go forth and multiply beyond the carrying capacity of the planet". Rather the opposite: I hereby command you to stop having so many sprogs, particularly if you can't or won't support them without ruining the place for all my other creations. I would, for a start, recommend two ("2") at a maximum, though one ("1") is even better, and please feel free to use any means at you disposal to achieve this end, be it pills (before or after), tools, implements, jellies, surgery, rat-poison, scarab beans, even obesity and vileness as a contraceptive deterrent is OK...anything but more humans.
  2. Let "quality", not "quantity", be your watchword. I had nothing to do with WALMART. That was entirely Lucifer's creation, and - for the record- I do not approve. In Upper Everywhere, we frequent our local boulangerie's and epicerie's only venturing to the devil's lair only infrequently in order to stock up on loo-paper, beer, and tinned tomatoes. How many genuine enlightened spiritual people throughout history have tried to get this concept through your heads? And what's with the mega-yacht and flying private phenom? Economics says you could have one OR the other...not BOTH for it is gluttonous! If everyone strives to have two SUVs, and lives as wastefully as America, I might as well pack-up and return home now, and you might as well stop having offspring and helicopter-parenting altogether. And the fair and just interim solution is not that they continue humbly on horseback, cyclos and nicely decorated three-wheeled auto-rickshaws. Modernity and globalization necessitates convergence, a word which has a very specific meaning in this context and for the sake of the planet and all living things, I urge you look it up.
  3. Carbon Taxes are remarkably well-suited to preventing wholesale environmental ruin, assuring better allocation of scarce resources, and dramatically reducing undesirable externalities, full stop. As a Supreme Being with some experience in the matter, take it from me that, quite often, human beings need some external help in order to help themselves, contrary to the putrid rubbish written by that Rand woman.
  4. "Inflation" is the same thing as lying to yourself (as well as others), and as such, it is entirely counterproductive, and, generally speaking, to be avoided since it's highly addictive, and once ensconced, the cures, are deeply unpopular to implement, even for a deity, let alone a mere mortal, or worse, an elected politician, or political appointee of the same.
  5. Do not be seduced by glamour stocks, eschewing them instead for greater values. I give this sagely advice with the best of intentions. But even here you will notice, Supreme Beings are not infallible for despite good models coupled with near-omnipotence and much omniscience, all that is of little help when money's cheap and the bulls are running. But always remember that, contrary to what momentum investors say: God is NOT with you [as a momentum investor], but only appears to be so for a while.
  6. Contrary to spin and their self-proclamation, neither Americans nor Jews, nor, let it be said here once and for frickin all, anyone else, are my Chosen People. I did once have some chosen ones that were from a place called "Atlantis" - and look where that got them. Then I had chosen some others - the gentle spiritual souls of Shangri-la - and they are now nowhere to be found. Since then, I've stopped choosing peoples. And think about it rationally: Why would I have given my chosen people a salty dust crossroads with little but rocks, bad food, and a mojo that makes their inhabitants insufferably argumentative and stubborn?? Anyone with half-a-brain could work out that IF I'd chosen them, I'd have given them "Switzerland", or "Canada", if I really fancied them. Or if they thought sand was the bees knees, and wanted rocks, I'd at least have deeded them the Arabian peninsula which is stuffed with useful hydrocarbons.
  7. Joseph Smith, founder of the CLDS, was, as anyone with any sense could see, a F-R-A-U-D. There is no earthly conceivable way Mitt Romney can explain THAT away, without violating a commandment and not appearing hypocritical, so do take appropriate care at election time to take this into consideration.
  8. Please extend my thanks to your Mr Terry Gilliam for his most flattering portrayal of me in "Time Bandits". As for that horrid man Mel Gibson, please will someone tell him that grotesque lies and revisionism notwithstanding, sycophancy and over-earnestness will - if anything - reduce his odds of of ever joining us here in Upper Everywhere. In fact, we don't even DO religion in our local thespian society.
  9. For the record, I only gave only 8 commandments. Adultery, though frowned upon and practiced only parsimoniously (if at all) in Upper Everywhere was, for humanity, left to conscience and free-will by design. And I don't know where the ancients got that "No Likenesses" taboo. I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next deity, so satire, cariacature, cartoon lampoons of yours truly are all entirely welcome and encouraged. Same goes for my prophets - both real and imagined, though in lampooning them, you must understand that in your zest for a chuckle, you run the risk of ignoring sagely prognostications that may, in fact, come to pass.
I do hope you find this note and its suggestion helpful. Self-extinction cannot be a pleasant thought for mortals so I hope it spurs you to some more definitive action than "The No Child Left Behind Act".

Yours truly,



MTC said...

Dear old SB:

Still trying to save them from themselves?

Touching, really.

They're mine. You know it. I know it...and they most certainly will know it.

You should have never given them vanity. The other sins...they could have been resisted. But vanity...that put them beyond redemption.

It's a little blue dump of a planet anyway, a tiny lifeboat floating in the great dark lifeless cold sea of space.

Let it go.

His Satanic Majesty,


Anonymous said...

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