Monday, October 22, 2007

Blackwater Denies Hedge Fund Murders

Blackwater USA's Founder and Chief Patriot Erik Prince has emerged from characteristic low-profile and gone public in a media blitz to vehemently deny any responsibility for the killings of the now-ignominious Bear Stearns-managed highly-leveraged Mortgage Hedge Funds, the recent market slaying of London-based Cheyne Capital's SIV in a gangland-style savaging late last week. Both market witnesses and forensic experts said "it was awful, bloody, and bloody-awful! It was certainly no accident as they were clearly tortured before being killed. You could see it in the marks..." Some have also implicated Prince in the bizarre and mysterious expiration of hedgie talking-head, Seth Tobias.

Blackwater's Prince, in both private interviews and Congressional testimony, didn't deny that the victim's were in fact dead, (as in longer viably breathing & independently financed) nor did he say that his employees were uninvolved. But he nonetheless went on the offensive saying "Blackwater should be seen as patriot's Patriot as they were doing a job no one else could or wanted to do", and that "America was better off for it". He said he trusted his men, and that "both the Bear Stearns funds and Cheyne SIVs must have been doing something wrong" for his mercenaries to unload and cause such carnage. "Maybe they [Bear & Cheyne] were too leveraged and panicked" he said, "...or maybe they got ambushed by basis-risk, or were caught in the crossfire of "borrowing short to lend long", or perhaps they just held securities whose value diminished with the fall in the prices of collateral assets, but I know my men and my troops wouldn't slaughter innocents, so they [Bear and Cheyne] must have been guilty....". "My guys protect "high value targets", and they are encouraged to do their job irrespective of collateral damage, or damaged collateral. "You can't make an omlette without breaking some heads", he said seriously.

"General" Prince, the youngest such officer in America's newly privatized army, a "lucky" billionaire through inheritance thanks to dad's foresight to jump the domestic US auto-making ship before it sunk, is an avowed Libertarian and and Republican campaign contributor, who worked as an in tern in the Bush-I Administration, before resigning due (according to Wikipedia) because
"I saw a lot of things I didn't agree with -- homosexual groups being invited in, the budget agreement, the Clean Air Act, those kinds of bills."
While coy about his future plans to capture yet more of the newly-privatized market for Covert Ops, Hedge-Fund assassination, Intelligence Gathering, Leveraged-Fund Torture, and and Dirty Tricks, he did say "Nothing is out of the question. Government is lame. Even I, a Navy Seal with little understanding of competitive Economics could do a better job than The Fed at Banking Market Oversight and everything else. In fact, maybe I will pursue the contract for such outsourcing..."

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