What Have The Europeans Ever Done For Us

The interior of UKIPs headquarters. A darkened room with a very conspiratorial atmosphere. Nigel Farage and Douglas Carswell are seated at a table at one end of the room. Steve Baker, dressed in Activist gear — black robes and a red sash around his head — is standing by a plan on the wall. He is addressing an audience of about eight MASKED Activists. Their faces are partially hidden...

Steve Baker:

We get in through the underground heating system here... up through to the main audience chamber here... and Junkcer's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Juncker that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?

Graham Stringer:

What exactly are the demands?

Nigel Farage:

We're giving Juncker two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the European Imperialist State and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.

Kate Hoey:

Cut her head off?

Steve Baker:

Cut all her bits off, send 'em back every hour on the hour... show him we're not to be trifled with.

Nigel Farage:

Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of Jacques Delors with his cock hanging out.

Douglas Carswell:

What? They'll never agree to that, Nige.

Nigel Farage:

That's just a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and... that we shall not submit to blackmail.

Omnes:

(Applause) No blackmail!

Nigel Farage:

They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.

Douglas Carswell:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.

Nigel Farage:

Yes.

Douglas Carswell:

And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.

Nigel Farage:

All right, Carswell. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?

Graham Stringer:

Freedom of movement, so we can live in Spain and France and...

Nigel Farage:

Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That's true.

Masked Activist:

And consumer and environmental protection!

Douglas Carswell:

Oh yes... protection!, Nige, you remember how polluted the UK used to be like.

Nigel Farage:

All right, I'll grant you that the freedom of movement and consumer and environmental protection are two things that the Europeans have done...

Bernard Jenkin:

And the Convention on Human Rights...pfewww...we have NO protection under British Common Law...

Nigel Farage:

(sharply) Well yes obviously the Convention on Human Rights... Human Rights go without saying. But apart from the freedom of movement, the consumer and environmental protection and the Convention on Human Rights...

Another Masked Activist:

Single Market...

Other Masked Voices:

Cross border regulation... Food Safety....Reciprocal Healthcare... Regional Development ...

Nigel Farage:

Yes... all right, fair enough...

Activist Near Front:

And the wine...

Omnes:

Oh yes! True!

Owen Paterson:

Yeah. That's something we'd really miss if we left Europe, Nige.

Masked Activist at Back:

Cheap immigrant labour who works hard and does the jobs no one else wants to do!

Douglas Carswell:

It IS safe to use a public toilet...

Steve Baker:

Yes, they certainly know how to keep places clean... (general nodding)... let's face it, they're the only ones who could in a place like this...
(more general murmurs of agreement)

Nigel Farage:

All right... all right... but apart from freedom of movement, environmental and consumer protection, The Convention on Human Rights, a single market, cross-border regulation, food safety standards, reciprocal healthcare across Europe, regional development, wine, speaking with a single voice whern negotiating with USA or China, and cheap labour to do the jobs British people do not want to do... what have the Europeans done for us?

Graham Stringer:

Brought peace and prosperity....! Just look at what things were like BEFORE the EU....

Nigel Farage:

(very angry, he's not having a good meeting at all) What!? Oh... (scornfully) Peace and prosperity, yes... shut up!