Wednesday, May 22, 2013

HFM Advertising or How To Take The Management Out of Risk Management

I have advertising in my blood. One of my relatives invented the Coca-Cola's first brand extension. Yet another relation miraculously figured out how to convince housewives to buy boxes of ordinary baking soda and, quite literally, pour them down their drains and flush them down their shiny white toilets. Kerplooosssssshhh. He was paid handsomely for his efforts.   

Hedge Fund Management Companies, and their owners, must be salivating at the imminent opportunities advertising will afford their businesses (and please please please will dewey-eyed pseuds use the correct language:  'Hedge Funds' do NOT advertise; 'Hedge Fund Management Companies' are the not-so-altruistic interested parties here). 

Traditionally, Managers kept low profiles. They maintained anonymous sounding names, discreet offices, unpretentious business cards and few titles. They rarely gave interviews, to keep their secrets, well.....ummm errrr ....secret. But if you make a billion dollars in a single year, or, less discreetly, do it for several years in a row, it is, it must be said, rather hard to keep you (and your Gulfstream IV and your divorce) out of the limelight.

So as the business of Hedge Fund Management converges with Traditional Asset Management, Hedge Fund Managers must begin the arduous and fickle process of branding, identity, and positioning in what is arguably an increasingly-crowded space. Where does the successful manager start, without taking one's eye off the proverbial investment ball? Not being too mercenary here, I'd suggest you contact Cassandra, who has taken the liberty of conjuring (and be warned, copyrighting) some apt off-the-shelf tag-lines and slogans that capture the bona-fide essence of these truly unique entities that will shortly serve the other 99% of the investing public. (Please feel free to contribute your own in the Comments Section)   

 "When Everything Is Not Enough"

 "Have We Got The Trades For You!!"

Clive Capital 
"Working To Help You Try And Make it Back"

"Thank God For 'Dead Pet Trusts' "

Henderson (Absolute Return Fund) 
 "At Henderson, We're Redefining 'Absolute'"

Marshall Wace  
"The Closest [Legal] Thing to Getting The Call Before The First Call"

SAC Capital 
 "Systematically In Front" 

"Fighting For Return To The Bitter End" 

Bridgewater Associates 
 "We do it OUR way…(And it Works!!)

Campbell & Co 
"There are Leaders. And There are Followers. We are Followers."

Greenlight Capital 

Paulson Capital 
"All It Takes Is One Big Trade"
"A Piece of Your Own Private Lottery"

Eclectica Asset Mgmt
"It's The Thought That Counts"

Pershing Square 
"'The Squeaky Bird Gets The Worm"

DE Shaw 
"We're So Annoyingly Smart…So You Don't Have To Be"

Blue Sky Japan 
"We Take The Management Out of Risk-Management"

Citadel Investment
"No Comments. Just Returns."

"Hedging is for Sissies" 

RAB Capital
Helping Investors Make a Small Fortune (Out of a Large One)

Hayman Capital 
 "Strong Conviction Walks the Line Between Brilliance and Ignominy"

ESL Investments 
"Redefining Concentration"

Highfields Capital 
"The Keys To Better Returns"

Winton Capital 
 "Making Trends Your Friends"  

Elliot Associates 
"We Are Paid To Be Greedy, And We Do Not Disappoint" 

Kynikos Assoc 
"[A Bit] Smarter Than The Average Bear" 


Anonymous said...

Oh, the ignominiminy of spelling mistakes. Love the blog. All the best.

Anonymous said...

Hayman Capital

"We're the asshats always too early to the party."

Anonymous said...

Some alternative/additional suggestions:

Winton Capital: Trying Our Darndest To Become RenTec

Renaissance Technologies: Because Our Shittiest Fund Is Still Better Than Winton's Best One

Abrams Capital: For Those Who Think Appaloosa Is Not Volatile Enough

Fortress: You Can Check Out Any Time You Like (But You Can Never Leave)

Cerberus: Making Fortress Look Liquid Since 2008

Kase Capital: We'll Charge You 2&20 To Read Some 13Fs And VIC Writeups

Baupost: No, You Still Can't Get In. Here's Some Money Back.

King Street: Running The World's Most Expensive Money Market Fund Since 2010

Omega: What's A Short?

Aurelius: Because Our Lawyers Gotta Eat, Too!