Caught Out

Where I used to live, there was little more entertaining than a visit to the local court. An old fashioned justice system, with arbitrary magistrates, colourful defendants opposite the application of justice. This was decidedly NOT a big city court. The transgressions and infractions were typically minor and often bizarre, but always humane in ways not often seen or read about in modernity. Waiting in the foyer, one would overhear the reality of most folks be they family problems, living paycheck to paycheck, and seeing firsthand the effectiveness of political demagogues in shaping attitudes of at least some of The People.

While I believe there is a wonderful book to be written translating the daily march of the people and their cases into vivid anecdotes and weaving them into a heart-warming read of village and humanity, my visits were utilitarian. Exceeding the speed-limit by more than a certain amount requires, without exception, a mandatory court appearance. Waiting on the wooden benches, witnessing a series of "54 in a 35 zone - how do you plead", followed by "Guilty, your honor", and a ruling of "....$250 dollar fine or 30 days inside....", my interest was piqued by a most amusing case.

The prosecutor Mr Marquette, described the course of events. A Mr G. Reece was in the supermarket,  and was caught shoplifting. He had apparently hidden a head of green iceberg lettuce, and a few bags vegetables under his overcoat, and was discovered upon exit, and the police were called to the scene, and the accused was taken to jail. The magistrate, Mr Deutsch, asked how he wanted to plead. "Guilty with an explanation your honor..."  "Go ahead", he said, rolling his eyes.  "I don't want to steal, but I got a family and I don't have any money". Then magistrate Deutsch made his ruling: "That'll be a $200 dollar fine...do you have anything to say....?" Mr Reece, stood up, and and in the most pleading of tones asked "What's the point of fining me $200 if I don't got any money? IF I had any money, I wouldn't have stolen the food in the first place....!!!??!!!" The whole court laughed at this most obvious logic flaw before Magistrate Deutsch banged the gavel and cried "Order, Order, Order in this Court, as the defendant was led away." "Next case your honor; a Mrs I. Tally accused of going 54 in a 35 zone...how do you plead...."

I have fond and vivid memories of this place. So vivid, they could have happened last night...

(editor's note: The above is an absolutely true story - only the names have been changed to protect identities)