Psalm 25-and-one-half

This little prayer recently discovered in that most obscure of scrolls: "The Book of Financial Psalms"

Psalm 25-and-One-Half

 1^[a] To you, O LIQUIDITY, I open up my blotter and go long;

 2 for in you I trust, O Liquidity.
       Do not let me be put to shame,
       nor let The Bears or creditors triumph over me.

 3 No one whose hope (and position) is by you
       will ever be put to shame,
       but the holders of cash, and the unlevered will be put to shame
       for they ignore opportunity without excuse.

 4 Show me your ways, O LQUIDITY,
       teach me your many paths to profit: precious metals, commodities, equities, art, real estate, antiques

 5 guide me in your bounty and teach me gearing, and to love low cap rates and to not fear inflation
       for you are Liquidity my Savior,
       and my hope is in you all day long.

 6 Remember, O Liquidity, your power and will,
       for they make me bold.

 7 Remember not the sins of my youth
       and my rebellious ways;
       when I was bearish and full of doubt,
       for you are good, O LIQUIDITY.

 8 Good and upright is LIQUIDITY;
       for IT instructs pessimists to follow ITS ways.

 9 IT guides the humble in what is right
       and teaches them to borrow and never go short of stock.

 10 All the ways of the LIQUIDITY are giving and keep giving
       for those who keep to the demands of his covenant and don't go short, hold cash, or buy bonds.

 11 For the sake of your name, O LIQUIDITY,
       forgive my past cautiousness, for it was unwise.

 12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LIQUIDITY ?
       IT will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

 13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
       and his descendants will inherit the land, Shares, and Gulfstream-V.

 14 LIQUIDITY spanks those who fear him;
       he insures the levered's debt covenants are not violated, and that CDOs remain nominally solvent

 15 My eyes are ever on LIQUIDITY,
       for only IT will release my house from creditors.

 16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
       for I am worthy and leveraged.

 17 The troubles of my loans have multiplied;
       free me from my margin calls.

 18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
       and lift-up all my underwater positions.

 19 See how Central Bank reserves have increased
       and how their coffers fill. Help them too!

 20 Guard my portfolio and rescue my positions;
       let me not be put to shame, and see my investors redeem
       for I take refuge in you.

 21 May leverage and beta protect me,
       because my hope is in you.

 22 Redeem NOT, dear investors, have faith in LIQUIDITY,
       IT will save us from all our troubles!

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 25:and-one-half This psalm is a translated acrostic poem, the verses of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet.